By DEREK CLONTZ
At least seven U.S. Congressmen are boot-licking zombies controlled by Haiti’s super-secret AIH intelligence agency – but here’s the clincher:
Nobody can figure out who they are because the living dead – with their shuffling gait, wrinkled skin, glassy stares and stumbling speech – are indistinguishable from all the geezer politicians on Capitol Hill.
So says the FBI in a frightening internal report that suggests the House of Representatives and Senate “could become a nest of pie-eyed zombies within the next 10 years” and, shockingly, “the American public would be none the wiser.”
“It’s a serious situation with national security implications that do not hearken well for our future as a free nation,” a senior FBI official who leaked portions of the report to me during a secret meeting and interview in Washington, D.C.
“By definition, zombies have limited mental faculties, no emotion, no free will, and they are only able to function at thebehest of voodoo priests who control their every move.
“By positioning zombies in the House and Senate, priests in the employ of Haiti’s intelligence office have the power to influence votes on bills that serve or hurt Haitian interests, such as trade initiatives, aide packages and telecommunications rulings that regulate the use of American telephones and wires for offshore boiler rooms, including fortune-telling services and psychic hot-lines that drive the Haitian economy.
“Unfortunately, our investigation has been stonewalled by elder statesmen who look and behave in zombie-like ways because they are either senile or physically impaired or both.
“I don’t have to name names here – you see them on the evening news almost every night. To get to the zombies, we have to weed out the simple elderly.
“But nobody wants to turn up on the front page of The Washington Post because they were interviewed in a zombie investigation. They’re using all the power at their disposal to shut us out.”
Not even Capitol Hill’s biggest blabbermouths will publicly discuss the investigation that one insider privately calls “the hottest topic of speculation since everyone was trying to guess the name of Watergate’s ‘Deep Throat.’”
In fact, behind closed doors, picking out the zombies in the House and Senate “has become a parlor game,” the insider says.
For their part, spokesmen at Haiti’s embassy in Washington are calling allegations of their dirt-poor island nation’s involvement in the zombie scandal “something we can only wish were true.”
“Haiti has been forgotten for too long,” explains one. “We would very much like to get our piece of the American pie, too.”
The FBI source says the agency caught wind of the problem when a former Haitian intelligence operative who entered the U.S. illegally was arrested for driving drunk – without a license – in Miami.
To avoid deportation, he agreed to tell the authorities what he knew about what he said was “our initiative to turn key U.S. politicians into zombies under Haitian control.”
He went on to say that “at least seven” senators and representatives “have been transformed” by powerful drugs and voodoo rituals “that were administered against their will.”
What happens next is anybody’s guess, but the FBI hopes that after the application of pressure through private channels, the House and Senate will see the light and agree to cooperate with the investigation.
“Once we are able to ask questions, we will get answers,” says the FBI source.
“Until then, our hands are tied. And that means laws are being made and bills are being passed by a body of lawmakers that includes men and women from every walk of life, including the living dead.”