Peace and LOVE

Paula Marx

SANTA BARBARA, CA -During a search for evidence at the Neverland Valley Ranch, investigators discovered a corpse that has been identified as that of Michael Jackson, Santa Barbara police officials announced Tuesday.

“Coroners have officially pronounced Michael Jackson dead. From what we can tell, he died between 18 and 20 years ago,” forensic investigator Tim Holbrooke said. “We are not certain, at this time, who-or what-has been standing trial in that Santa Maria courthouse.”

According to Holbrooke, Jackson ‘s corpse was buried just inches below a stretch of the miniature-train tracks that run throughout Neverland. The largely desiccated corpse wore the remains of a red, zipper-covered leather jacket and a single glove. “We positively identified the body as Jackson by his dental records and DNA,” Holbrooke said. “But even before we conducted a single forensic test, we began to suspect that that we’d uncovered the real Michael, and that the disturbing figure claiming to be Jackson was a fake.” Holbrooke said that, although the corpse was in an advanced stage of decomposition, when investigators compared the body to early-career publicity photos of Jackson , they saw a striking resemblance in bone structure and facial features. But when they compared the body to photos taken after 1987, the resemblance was negligible. “This discovery raises a lot of questions, but it also sheds light on a number of disturbing incidents,” Holbrooke said. “Frankly, Jackson had been acting pretty strange.”

Forensic experts and music critics are postulating that Jackson was dead before the release of the multi-platinum album Bad. Detectives are currently analyzing the lyrics to “Man In The Mirror” for any clues relating to a look-alike entity that many suspect murdered the youngest member of the Jackson 5 and assumed his identity. “We believe that Neverland served as some sort of freakishly whimsical tomb constructed by Jackson ‘s killer,” Holbrooke said. “We also suspect that all of the iniquities that occurred on that ranch were the work of the imposter. I wouldn’t have ever thought it possible, but we are looking at a situation where the sexual abuse of a 13-year-old cancer patient is the tip of the iceberg.”

Holbrooke said that, while the living Jackson is the leading suspect in the murder investigation, he “could be another victim of some sort.”

“Basically, we have no idea what type of creature we are dealing with,” Holbrooke said. A member of the investigative team that discovered Jackson ‘s body described the experience as “otherworldly.” “As we neared the perimeter of Neverland, the dogs started whining and howling like crazy,” Santa Barbara County detective Frank Poeller said. “We had to pull them into the house. When we got to Jackson ‘s bedroom, one of them almost choked himself to death on his leash trying to get out through the window. Minutes later, the same dog led us to the corpse.” A representative from Jackson ‘s self-created label, MJJ Productions, said he was not surprised to find out that the current Jackson is an imposter.

“When we were recording ‘Heal The World’ for Dangerous, I could tell something was terribly, terribly wrong,” MJJ manager Luke Allard said. “Michael didn’t seem like himself anymore. He’d demand bizarre food and sit for hours in a hyperbaric chamber. His appearance began to become more and more peculiar. Soon afterwards, he started wearing a mask and confiding in a chimpanzee.”

“I remember thinking, ‘This man has become a monster,’” Allard said. “If only I’d known how right I was.”