I’VE FALLEN HEELS OVER HEAD FOR MY HUNKY BUNKY DOCTORDear Derek: I’ve fallen head over heels in love with my proctologist and my wife knows all about it because I slipped up and started calling her “Thomas! Thomas! Oh Thomas!” when we were having sex the other night. Now my marriage in deep doo-doo and I don’t know what to do. I love my wife with all my heart, but I love my doctor with all my heart, too. They’re both special to me and I just wish there were something I could do to hold on to the both of them. What do you think, Derek – is there a way to save the good thing I’ve got going with my wife and with my physician? He’s a hunk. - Wishing and Hoping in Miami, Florida
Dear Wishing and Hoping: No woman in her right mind is going to share her man with a “butt doctor.” On a high note, your wife couldn’t possible be in her right mind because she did, after all, marry you. With that in mind, try to “spin” your plan in such a way that it’s appealing to her. Surely Thomas will give her free proctological exams, and if she’s got a problem with hemorrhoids, free surgery and gratis air cushions could save her a bundle.
Derek can help you, too. Send questions and comments using the “REPLY” box at the end of this column.
MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND THINKS HE’S JOHNNY DEPP
Dear Derek: I’ve been married to a wonderful man for five years. He is an excellent provider, a great husband, a super father and my very, very best friend. I’d have to say he’s pretty much perfect except about a month ago he started insisting on me calling him “Johnny Depp” during our lovemaking. At first it was humorous and kind of fun to fantasize about getting intimate with Johnny, who just happens to be my favorite movie star. But now Rupert, that’s my husband, won’t answer to anything else. I have to call him “Johnny Depp” or “Mr. Depp” or “Mr. Johnny” all the time, even in public, or he simply ignores me until I do. What do you think, Derek? Does Rup …, I mean, Mr. Depp, need professional help? - Mrs. Depp in Chicago, Illinois
Dear Mrs. Depp: Sounds like somebody slammed Mr. Depp’s head in a car door, but let’s face it: he’s no crazier than you are for staying with him. The bottom line? Demand a quickie divorce and take him for every penny he’s got while he’s still got a job. From the looks of things, he’s headed for la-la land – and I’m NOT talking about Hollywood.
Derek can help you, too. Send questions and comments using the “REPLY” box at the end of this column.
DECEMBER BRIDE IS LEAVING $3.7M TO HER GASBAG KITTY-CAT
Dear Derek: Eight years ago I met a very rich old woman and I don’t care what you think, I married Mary for love, not money. It’s true that I quit my job driving a fork lift after we tied the knot. But it’s not because I’m gold-digger. I had to quit working because Mary and I like to travel all over the world, and when we aren’t traveling, we like to loaf.
Now I have a problem. Last week when Mary was getting her hair styled I was poking around in her wall safe and I found a sealed envelope with a lawyer’s name on it. Inside was her will and she’s leaving every penny – $3.6 million – to her stupid cat Tootie who is old as the dickens and just lays around breaking wind all day. How can a gasbag cat use all those millions? I’m the one who married the old bat. That money belongs to me – right? - Cut Off in Shelby, North Carolina
Dear Cut Off: There’s no way on earth a stink-bomb cat can spend all that cash – especially if it has a “terrible accident” before Mary kicks the bucket. I’m not suggesting that you toss a couple of fish in your trash compactor with the dial set to “auto-start.” But it’s a dangerous world out there – anything can happen.
Derek can help you, too. Send questions and comments using the “REPLY” box at the end of this column.
SHOULD I RUN FROM THE LAW WITH MY NO-GOOD BOYFRIEND?
Dear Derek: I’ve been with Bill for almost a year and now he wants me to move out of the state with him. He’s running from the law after skipping bail on an assault charge that the police slapped him with because he beat up his mother. It’s not like he meant to do it. He has a history of hitting people when he’s drunk. He’s hit me in the past, too. But since he quit drinking early this morning, I haven’t felt endangered at all and I can’t help but think that one day he really will turn over a new leaf. As far as I know, he’s not cheating on me anymore. What should I do? - Undecided in Bellingham, Washington
Dear Undecided: Dump Bill and get a life.
Derek can help you, too. Send questions and comments using the “REPLY” box at the end of this column.
Daily Archives: February 17, 2009
Casey Anthony bizarre “Cash-Cyclone Plan” to save U.S. economy stuns jailers
Copyright (c) 2009 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.
You’d think alleged baby killer Casey Anthony would be focused on her dead daughter Caylee’s recent memorial service and also her own trial for murder. But jail sources in Orlando, Florida, say she’s been talking about ways to help get the derailed U.S. economy back on track. And her “solution?”
Casey Anthony
Can this machine stimulate the economy? Casey Anthony says; "Yes."
”Let everybody go into one of those cash-cyclone machines that blows around $20 bills. You get to keep all the money you can catch. Then people would go out and spend it. That’s what I think,” she reportedly told a jail employee who, as our source put it, “couldn’t believe the nonsense that what was coming out of Casey’s mouth.
“The employee said, ‘What is wrong with you? Don’t you have any emotions? Don’t you care about your baby?’
“Casey didn’t say another word. But I know from another source that she brought up the cash machine with members of her legal team. I don’t know – maybe she’s crazy.
“Or maybe she thinks if she somehow comes up with an idea that will help ordinary men and women survive the bad economy, people will ‘like her’ and demand that she be released from jail.
“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: This case just gets crazier by the day.”
What do YOU think? Is Casey crazy to be talking about the economy while she’s waiting to stand trial for the murder of her baby? Or, do you think she’s on to something with her cockamamie cash machine idea?
Send your comments and vote in our poll.
