FAST FACT: Bill collectors have a serious image problem, ranking just one notch below “child-killing Devil worshippers” on the Census Bureau’s list of “sleaziest and most reviled Americans,” a spokesman confirms.
Copyright (c) 2009 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.
Hundreds of angry bill collectors have complained to the Government Accounting Office about President Barack Obama, claiming the leader of the free world won’t return calls about America’s $2 trillion national debt – a staggering $900 billion of which is on credit cards.
“I’m very disappointed in Mr. Obama, at the time we issued the credit, the Oval Office seemed like a good risk,” fumes Karl Johnson, who represents a Saudi investment bank that has loaned the U.S. at least $200 billion since several large commercial banks and investment firms faked bankruptcy and demanded bailouts last fall.
Una de Gato: guaranteed-potency jungle herb for 96 different illnesses will come in handy after economic and social collapse.
“The President seems to have a problem with admitting that he owes anybody any money.
“He won’t come to the telephone even though I’m calling the White House, and … hey, sir – come on, now – everybody on the planet knows you live there. “
“And it’s not like we want to throw him in jail or anything.
“All we want to do is talk things over and see if we can help him out, because instead of paying off the debt he’s got, he just keeps asking for more loans – and that’s a red flag.
“It’s true that he’s not in default, but one more down-tick in the economy could change that in a split second.
“The last thing we want is a bankruptcy. Then we’ll never get our cash back.”
Johnson isn’t the only bill collector who’s gone public to say the President “has some s’plainin’ to do” over the biggest national debt in America’s history
William Fender, who represents a Chinese investment group that loaned the U.S. $360 billion to help with last year’bank bailout and pay for a couple of battles in the war in Iraq, says: “Hundreds of us on the collections end of things agree – the commander-in-chief needs to take a deep breath, look at his balance sheet, and start figuring out how to pay back some of the money that was loaned to the U.S. in good faith.
“Every time I call the White House I get first lady Michelle Obama or Vice President Joseph Biden on the line and they always say something like, ‘Mr. Obama isn’t in today. Would you like to leave a message?’, like they’re hired help or guests who just happened to pick up the phone.
“Look, the last thing I want to do is put additional pressure on the President when the country is at war and in a financial meltdown. But he has to meet me half way.
“Otherwise, things could get nasty. Can you imagine the scowl on his face if I foreclose on Camp David? Or how about I take back all those TVs in the ‘war room’ at the Pentagon
“Ask anyone who’s ever taken on more debt than he can handle. He’ll tell you how humiliating it is to tangle with the repo man.”
White House press secretary Robert Gibbs says the President “is aware” of the national debt “but it’s not a priority right now.”
“I suggest some of these bill collectors cool their jets – they’ll get their money even if our children have to pay it,” he added.
Meanwhile, I’d hate to have to give the Internal Revenue Service a jingle and start naming names. “Those audits can get nasty.”
Derek Clontz
HERBAL FAST FACT: Anxiety over continuing massive layoffs and the general turbulent state of the U.S. and world economies is taking a toll on millions of Americans who are worried about their financial security and the future of our nation. Kava, GABA, Valerian, Scutterlaria – and that tried and true standby, St. John’s Wort – are excellent choices to “take the edge off.”
For unrelenting stresses that just won’t quit, choose a good Chinese, Korean or American Ginseng, not to calm you, but to increase stamina, energy and endurance – and minimize the deleterious effects of harmful chemicals that are produced by your body when you are under great stress. My personal favorite, Cat’s Claw, is a good choice, too. Questions? Write. – Derek Clontz
