SIX OF 10 American marriages will end in bitter, heartbreaking, name-calling divorce. And while some people think that’s a shameful failure rate, growing numbers of experts say it simply isn’t high enough.
“Six of 10 failed marriages? Eight of 10 or even nine of 10 are the figures to shoot for,” psychologist Barbara Leighterman declares in her controversial book, Walking the Aisle or Walking the Plank? A Thinking Person’s Guide to the Pitfalls of Marriage, which is slated for a Christmas release.
“Marriage is an anachronism,” she told me exclusively, “something that contributed to the security and happiness of our ancestors but is a leading cause of misery today.
“Way back when having a husband or wife actually improved a person’s longevity, social standing and quality of life – but these days, statistics tell us it devastates far more men, women – and yes, even children – than it helps.
“Domestic violence is America’s No. 1 killer and a billion-dollar burden on our health care system – bigger than cancer and automobile accidents combined. Reduce the number of marriages and both men and women are going to be happier, healthier and a whole lot safer.
“It really is that simple.”
Leighterman’s views are stirring a passionate national debate as newspapers and talk-radio hosts introduce them to a public that clings to the notion marriage is desirable -even as divorce rates skyrocket and polls show “marital misery” to be at an all time high.
Lining up with Leighterman are no fewer than 6,000 marriage counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, police officers, emergency room personnel and other professionals who have signed a petition calling on President George Bush to establish “National Divorce Day” to raise awareness of “the abysmal state of America’s marriages and the violence and suffering they cause.”
Leighterman acknowledges that marriage was the glue that held society together for thousands of years. All that changed in the 1960s, she said, when “the light bulb went off” and women, weary of cooking, cleaning and staying home to raise children, began to seek equality with men.
“As late as the late 1950s marriages were necessary and relatively happy because you had clear and perfectly defined divisions of labor – men’s work and women’s work – with husbands and wives each contributing to the health and well-being of the other,” explained the New York-based expert.
“Even if these marriages weren’t particularly loving, they were useful – and when something is in our self interest, we tend to stick with it through thick or thin.
“Things changed, of course, when women decided to spread their wings and demanded equal footing in the workplace. Suddenly men’s work wasn’t just for men – it was for women, too.
“That meant women didn’t need a man to bring home a paycheck because they had paychecks of their own. It also meant women didn’t have time to cook, clean and raise the kids, which are the only reasons – other than for sex and as, perhaps, a ‘TV-watching partner’ -that most men want women around.
“Even the sex issue lost its ‘oomph’ thanks to the sexual revolution and development of increasingly sophisticated and effective forms of birth control and protections against sexually-transmitted disease.”
In fact, Leighterman says the main reason most married couples stay together today “is out of some misguided guilt over the ‘right’ way to rear their children.”
She goes on to argue that people “simply ought to get used to the fact that they aren’t raising their children anyway.
“The government is raising their children from pre-school, day-care, kindergarten through college,” she noted. “If you don’t believe it, just look at the studies that show working parents interact meaningfully with their children just five minutes a day.
“That’s less time that most people spend brushing their teeth or sitting on the john.
“There isn’t a single good reason to argue for marriage,” she concluded. “If you want to be happy – if you want everyone around you to be happy – end the marriage you’ve got or resist the urge to get married in the first place.
“When you’re stretched out on your deathbed you’ll look back over your life and die with a smile on your face because you’ll know you did the right thing.”
I couldn’t agree more with your article. I was married for 18 years . For most of that time, I worked to support him financially and build his career (he is a doctor). Now that the relationship has ended, I am back where I started when I was 18 years old. I am left with three kids and have to sell my house, while he is moving into an even nicer neighborhood with his new fling and her kid.
Women, don’t forfeit your educational aspirations – get your degree, or lots of degrees that will pay you $$$. Because I was making more money than him, and he was unemployed, we made the decision for him to pursue an advanced degree while I made the money to pay the bills. BIG MISTAKE!!!! Now that we are no longer together, he still has the big fancy degree and I am taking beginning Algebra and selling my house because he would rather spend his $ on his new woman. BS! – Don’t let this happen to you!
If you have kids, plan on staying in the workplace part time, or take a few classes. When you leave for several years and try to get back in the game, it is not always easy.
I could go on and on. . .I have three daughters and have told them to NEVER get married, get a great education, and land a great job so they don’t need a man.
I couldn’t DISAGREE more! First, as a man, I am outraged at the comment in the 12th paragraph that says men only want women around to cook, clean, raise the kids and for sex! My wife is my best friend, as a spouse should be. I still love her whether she cooks or not, whether she cleans or not, and yes even if we have sex or not! If anyone would settle for a wife being a cook, a babysitter, a maid and a sex object, they are missing out on the best parts of marriage! Furthermore, I would argue that the cause of these failed marriages is SELFISHNESS, Perhaps on the part of those who would choose career over family, or perhaps on the part of those who got married without REALLY loving the person. Real love is NOT a feeling, but rather the CHOICE to do what is BEST for another individual regardless of how they feel about it, how you feel about it, or how anyone feels about it.
I have known many divorced couples in my lifetime. Please allow me to share a few of my observations:
1.) All but a few divorcees I have known (including my own parents) got married after relatively short period of time. All but a few couples I know who have remained married for 20+ years were friends or had dated for at least a few YEARS prior to marriage.
2.) The majority of first time divorces that I have seen were people who got married young AND HASTILY. In younger years, it is difficult for one to distinguish the excitement of a relationship, as well as the feeling of lust, from the DECISION of love. This is compounded by the ever growing void of love towards children in the homes of some of these failed marriages. As a consequence, many love starved and emotionally driven young adults will cling to the first person who makes them feel valued, and confuse the feeling of self-worth with love. While the majority of divorcees married young, I am not saying that young couples will have failed marriages. I know several couples who were married before they were 25 (I was married at 20) and are now in their 40’s and 50’s and still madly in love. These are couples who happen to have spent more than a year getting to know one another prior to dating and at least another year prior to marriage. Just long enought for that initial infatuation period to wear off, and to realize that their potential spouse is NOT PERFECT (the “perfect partner” is a frightfully common delution of college age Americans) AND to discern whether they are in the relationship for their own personal gain (of affection, of service, etc…) or whether they are there to love, to do what is best for the other, to serve, unconditionally and without necessity of reciprocation.
3.) NOT ONE SINGLE COUPLE that I have known that dated more than a year AND SAVED SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE (this includes all types of sex!) has divorced. Further more, these are the most “in love” couples that I have ever known.
4.) If you do some digging, you will find that statistically, somewhere nearly 70% of couples which live together prior to marriage will divorce. Conversely, only about 10% of couples which practiced abstinence prior to marriage will split up. Going a step further, the divorce rate is only about 2% for couples that do not use artificial birth control in their marriage REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THEY HAVE CHILDREN OR NOT!!! These couples also happen to report an overall greater degree of marital satisfaction in their personal, social and sexual lives.
5.) EVERY FAILED MARRIAGE I have seen was puerly the result of SELFISHNESS AND FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE. How many times have you heard divorcees saying things like “He/She was just never satisfied” or “he/she didn’t care one bit about my needs”. This is a result from failure to communicate an unfulfilled need in a way that caused a caring response. It is very easy to complain and criticize for failures, but very difficult to openly share an inadequacy or need. Similarly, complaining will be viewed by others as abrasive and is more likely to illicit an evasive or apathetic response, rather than one that seeks to fix the problem. In my experience, most (but not all) cases of divorce due to infidelity had underlying causes, issues which were not properly addressed. In other words, the marriage was wobbling and that just happened to be the direction it fell. After all, one who feels they have everything, wants for nothing. Infidelity is mearly an outlet for fulfilling a need that a spouse is usually fully capable of, but for one reason or another unwilling to provide. In most cases of infidelity, I have had seen a strikingly consistent sentiment of “I should have seen it coming”. There are almost always tell tale signs, that are neglected due to improper prioritizing, putting career, friends, hobbies, interests before spouse. Not so surprisingly, these unaddressed needs usually are not satisfied by the spouse themselves, but by career, friends, hobbies and interests. It is common to hear of the end of a relationship because the other person was “too controlling.” In any marriage, it is essential to bolster the psychological, social, mental, emotional, spiritual and occupational developement of the partner, for you you are not helping them to grow, you are preventing them from being the best they can be. Fundamentally, that is the the job of the spouse… not to cook, or to clean or to work… but to help one another become their greatest self.
If you would like to read more about the meaning of real love and the call to sacrifice, I would definiely recommend a book called “The Road Less Traveled” by Scott Peck. He is a renowned psychiatrist with over 25 years of experience. His insights into the essence of marriage and the real meaning of love have changed the lives of thousands maybe even millions of people. It is definetly worth a read.
chuck norris eats marriages for breakfast.
some men are ugly.