SIX OF 10 American marriages will end in bitter, heartbreaking, name-calling divorce. And while some people think that’s a shameful failure rate, growing numbers of experts say it simply isn’t high enough.
“Six of 10 failed marriages? Eight of 10 or even nine of 10 are the figures to shoot for,” psychologist Barbara Leighterman declares in her controversial book, Walking the Aisle or Walking the Plank? A Thinking Person’s Guide to the Pitfalls of Marriage, which is slated for a Christmas release.
“Marriage is an anachronism,” she told me exclusively, “something that contributed to the security and happiness of our ancestors but is a leading cause of misery today.
“Way back when having a husband or wife actually improved a person’s longevity, social standing and quality of life – but these days, statistics tell us it devastates far more men, women – and yes, even children – than it helps.
“Domestic violence is America’s No. 1 killer and a billion-dollar burden on our health care system – bigger than cancer and automobile accidents combined. Reduce the number of marriages and both men and women are going to be happier, healthier and a whole lot safer.
“It really is that simple.”
Leighterman’s views are stirring a passionate national debate as newspapers and talk-radio hosts introduce them to a public that clings to the notion marriage is desirable -even as divorce rates skyrocket and polls show “marital misery” to be at an all time high.
Lining up with Leighterman are no fewer than 6,000 marriage counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, police officers, emergency room personnel and other professionals who have signed a petition calling on President George Bush to establish “National Divorce Day” to raise awareness of “the abysmal state of America’s marriages and the violence and suffering they cause.”
Leighterman acknowledges that marriage was the glue that held society together for thousands of years. All that changed in the 1960s, she said, when “the light bulb went off” and women, weary of cooking, cleaning and staying home to raise children, began to seek equality with men.
“As late as the late 1950s marriages were necessary and relatively happy because you had clear and perfectly defined divisions of labor – men’s work and women’s work – with husbands and wives each contributing to the health and well-being of the other,” explained the New York-based expert.
“Even if these marriages weren’t particularly loving, they were useful – and when something is in our self interest, we tend to stick with it through thick or thin.
“Things changed, of course, when women decided to spread their wings and demanded equal footing in the workplace. Suddenly men’s work wasn’t just for men – it was for women, too.
“That meant women didn’t need a man to bring home a paycheck because they had paychecks of their own. It also meant women didn’t have time to cook, clean and raise the kids, which are the only reasons – other than for sex and as, perhaps, a ‘TV-watching partner’ -that most men want women around.
“Even the sex issue lost its ‘oomph’ thanks to the sexual revolution and development of increasingly sophisticated and effective forms of birth control and protections against sexually-transmitted disease.”
In fact, Leighterman says the main reason most married couples stay together today “is out of some misguided guilt over the ‘right’ way to rear their children.”
She goes on to argue that people “simply ought to get used to the fact that they aren’t raising their children anyway.
“The government is raising their children from pre-school, day-care, kindergarten through college,” she noted. “If you don’t believe it, just look at the studies that show working parents interact meaningfully with their children just five minutes a day.
“That’s less time that most people spend brushing their teeth or sitting on the john.
“There isn’t a single good reason to argue for marriage,” she concluded. “If you want to be happy – if you want everyone around you to be happy – end the marriage you’ve got or resist the urge to get married in the first place.
“When you’re stretched out on your deathbed you’ll look back over your life and die with a smile on your face because you’ll know you did the right thing.”
