Splat! Air Force One flushes potty over Hillary campaign headquarters

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved. 

DEMOCRATS are fuming over what they’re calling the Bush administration’s “dirtiest trick yet” – flushing Air Force One’s potty over Sen. Hillary Clinton’s headquarters Washington, D.C.

The White House has yet to respond to the allegations. But Clinton staffers say the Boeing 747 “went out of its way to pinpoint” the plain brick building for what they called “a major dump” and it was, they say, “intentional.”

“There’s no mistaking the President’s plane, and when we saw it circling overhead, we began to think the worst, that maybe there had been another terrorist attack and it couldn’t land,” a source close to Sen. Clinton told me exclusively.

“Then all of a sudden – splat! It sounded like an elephant hitting the roof. Several interns who ran out to the street to watch the jet came back in soaked.

“And I’m not going to mince words here: They stunk.”

The Federal Aviation Administration will neither confirm nor deny that Air Force One was in the area at the time of the alleged “drop.”

But a source who has blabbed reliably in the past wouldn’t deny it, either, saying: “If someone says Air Force One was in the area, I’m not going to dispute it. But I can tell you that regardless of the craft’s location, the president wasn’t a passenger.

“He wasn’t flying.”

The source referred other questions to the White House, where, when asked by a reporter, press secretary Dana Perino snapped, “Ask the FAA.”

“Something’s rotten in Denmark – that’s for sure,” Sen. Clinton said.

What the hell’s happening at Area 51? Scientists want answers – fast

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.

LIGHTNING storms of a ferocity seldom seen in the United States have lit up the sky over the mysterious Area 51 military facility on 31 occasions since April 21, leading worried experts to convene in emergency meetings on two continents to ask “what the hell is going on?“ at the super secret base.

Details are sketchy, but theories and allegations abound – including angry charges by German and Russian researchers that the United States is testing a new anti-terror weapon that harnesses and intensifies the power of nature, turning ordinary weather events like thundershowers and blustery winds into remote-controlled weapons of mass destruction that can be used against Axis of Evil-enemies like North Korea and Iran with the United Nations and other critics none the wiser.

And that’s just one of the hair-raising speculations being floated, discussed and argued in conferences on both sides of the Atlantic. According to a hair-raising report that appeared on the front page of Germany’s hard-hitting Der Stern magazine, it has been suggested that Area 51 researchers are:

O Experimenting with a time machine or trying to open a portal into a parallel universe or another dimension – either of which could have far-reaching consequences on the future of mankind.

O In the final testing stages of a long-sought “electricity bomb” first predicted by Einstein in 1954 as a dangerously powerful but “clean” alternative to nuclear warheads.

O Testing or charging the propulsion systems of captured extraterrestrial aircraft – UFOs – as unstoppable weapons in the war on terror.

O Attempting to revive as many as 500 extraterrestrials who were, it is alleged, “flash frozen” alive in Area 51’s sprawling cryogenics laboratory following their capture in the 1950s. Experts say massive electrical charges – such as those found in lightning – almost certainly would be required to revive them.

O Battling to regain control of dangerous and ill-advised magnetic-field and sound-wave experiments that went haywire – and could spread the fierce electrical storms that are now confined to Area 51 throughout the world.

“Those scenarios might very well pale before an even more chilling scenario that the United States arrogantly chooses to hide from the world,” Dr. Alexei Kosomov, the famed Russian physicist whose theories on the energy-producing potentials of magnetic fields are considered classics in the field, told me exclusively.

“The world is, in fact, at a crossroads. This is no time for ‘cowboy experiments’ or unilateral activity of any kind. The world must know what is going on at Area 51. And we call on the United Nations to bring pressure to bear on President George Bush to cease and desist – or explain.”

White House and Pentagon spokesmen declined to comment on the allegations or Kosomov‘s criticisms. One Pentagon source actually threatened to “cause major problems” for one of my interns who pressed her for details.

Tight-lips are nothing new regarding Area 51. The top-secret facility, also known as Groom Lake, is located about 90 miles north of Las Vegas.

The site was developed in the 1950s and, despite official denials, it unquestionably is a proving ground for cutting-edge aircraft such as the U-2 spy plane, SR-71-Blackbird and the F-117A stealth fighter, all of which, it is said, incorporate some degree of technology developed from the study of extraterrestrial aircraft hidden away in hangars at the base.

Aircraft aside, Area 51 also is associated with the development and testing of futuristic weaponry and so-called “space-time experiments” that would give our government and military the power to alter the future and the past, it is hoped, to our advantage in the present.

As the White House and Pentagon struggle to keep whatever is happening at Area 51 under an impenetrable shroud of secrecy, in Los Angeles, critics and concerned citizens are threatening to sue for “a full accounting of current activity” under guidelines set out under the Freedom of Information Act.

“I’m not even sure that God knows what’s happening out there,” Catherine Trefton, founder and president of Into the Light, a watchdog group that claims a membership of over 2,000 citizens and scientists who oppose secrecy in government, told me.

“But we better find out before something goes terribly wrong – and we all pay the price.”

16 things you ought to know about the United Nations

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved. 

HARDLY A day passes when the United Nations doesn’t make a decision that will affect you and your children for the rest of your lives.

But what do you really know about this oddball collection of weirdly dressed and often shifty foreigners – many of whom had never seen a fork, telephone, television or car until they arrived at U.N. headquarters in New York?

“How much do you know about the United Nations? Probably not much,” former CIA operative and U.N. expert Mark Brandler told me exclusively.

“When you get down to it, I don’t know how much the U.N. knows about the U.N.

“You can’t pluck men and women off islands and mountaintops and then throw them into a skyscraper in the middle of New York City and expect them to get any kind of handle on what they’re supposed to be doing and why they’re supposed to be doing it.

“That is especially true when you realize that, on average, representatives have just a fourth-grade education. Many have never set foot in a schoolroom, much less studied in one.

“And yet we expect them to make decisions about social, political, cultural and military issues that are so complex the world’s best minds can’t make heads or tails of them.

“Only the U.N. would ask a man who wages war with a blowgun to weigh in on issues like nuclear disarmament and chemical and biological warfare – issues that profoundly affect the national security of the United States.

“For that matter, how can you ask a man who’s accustomed to trading animal skins for sewing needles to figure out the best way to dole out hundreds of billions of dollars in foreign aid?

“It’s like asking a baby to rebuild the World Trade Centers with Play Doh and Lincoln Logs. It just ain’t gonna happen.

“But for some reason, we keep pretending that it is.”

Brandler, 72, of New York, points out that most people think of the United States, Russia, China, Japan, Israel, the United Kingdom, France, Germany and a few other European countries as being the ‘world’.

“But when the U.N. gets together, you have representatives from 185 countries – let me repeat that, 185,” continues the expert.

“Try to name just 50 and you’ll begin to see what a complicated mess the United Nations really is. Most of these people come from countries that are so backward and poor that only a handful of the richest citizens have ever used a telephone or seen a newspaper or a TV.

“The life expectancy in these countries hovers around the age of 40. Just stop and think about that for a moment. Here in the U.S., our life expectancy is 70-plus.

“But in Afghanistan, for example, and 80 or so other countries, you’re worn out, actually an old person ready for a senior citizen’s ‘discount card’, when you hit 39.

“It’s clear that a man or woman who expects to die at the age of 40 isn’t going to view life and the world like you and I do – not by a longshot.

“But that doesn’t keep the United Nations from empowering them to make decisions that affect us all, not just for now, but forever.”

Here, according to Brandler, are little known facts about the U.N.

“If you are shocked,” he added, “call or write your congressmen and tell them to stop the madness and get us out of the U.N. – before it’s too late.”

1. Over half of all representatives have visited a witch doctor for medical diagnosis and treatment in the past year.

   Of those, 26 reported “excellent results” after undergoing “psychic surgery”, the bogus, sleight-of-hand procedure that makes it look as if practitioners are extracting “deadly tumors” from patients without using a scalpel or leaving a wound of any kind.

2. Representatives worship an estimated 3,000 different gods and goddesses, animals, bugs, plants, rocks and heavenly bodies-including every planet, at least two satellites and the sun!

   This doesn’t count the U.N.’s Hindus, who worship everything that moves-and sits still. Scholars say there are over 1 million “gods” on the Hindu books at present, with more being added as true believers stumble on something new to worship almost every day.

3. U.N. security personnel seize an average of 72 weapons – including knives, machetes, ice picks, handguns, poison powders and liquids, voodoo dolls and razor-sharp karate “throwing stars” – from members each and every day the U.N. is in session.

   Over the years, although none have died, three representatives actually have been hit with poison darts while addressing the General Assembly.

4. Almost half of the 185 countries represented in the United Nations consider women to be second-class citizens with few if any rights beyond the right to bear and rear children and do what men tell them to do.
5. A staggering 82 percent of nationalities represented in the U.N. consider themselves and their people to be smarter, stronger, prettier and more capable than all other nationalities despite the passage of hundreds of resolutions declaring all men to have been created equally.
6. On at least 22 occasions since the U.N. was founded in 1945, representatives from one backward country or another have traded their homelands to craftier colleagues for such trinkets as a malfunctioning boom box, an electric blanket, costume jewelry, Monopoly money and a six-month supply of Cracker Jacks-less the prizes.

   In each instance, the trade was discovered and undone by majority vote of the General Assembly.

7. 7. Dozens of resolutions proposing animal and human sacrifices to end droughts, plagues and pestilence have been proposed and narrowly rejected on the floor of the General Assembly.
8. Slightly more than half of U.N. representatives believe that having their picture taken results in the loss of their souls.

   Needless to say, terror ensues anytime anyone pulls a camera out on the floor of the U.N. and that’s why the movement of news photographers is severely restricted.

9. Throughout the 1960s and 1970s a block of 26 Third World countries consistently sided with the United States against the Soviet Union until it finally occurred to them that they, themselves, were socialists-and should have been siding with the Russians.
10. At last count, 54 percent of representatives absolutely refused to believe that American astronauts have been to the moon.

    A slightly smaller percentage, 51 percent, think the world is flat and give no more credence to a newscast showing shuttle astronauts zipping through space than they give to a Disney cartoon.

11. When put to a vote-as it has been on 11 occasions-grasshoppers and termites consistently rank as the “official snack food” of the U.N.
12. The authors of children’s books are often enlisted to help write U.N. resolutions so that representatives will have a better chance of understanding them. It’s never been stated for the record, but beloved Dr. Seuss is believed to have ghostwritten no fewer than 600 resolutions before his tragic death earlier this decade.
13. Six representatives have shrunken a head in the past six months-eight others have tasted human flesh.
14. One third of representatives have two or more wives.
15. Surveys show that U.N. representatives are far more fascinated with fire than the general population. Cigarette lighters and kitchen matches are far and away the No. 1 gift representatives send back home.
16. The official languages of the United Nations are English and French, but drums – that’s right, drums – have been suggested as an “alternate mode of communication” on at least 26 occasions dating back to the 1960s.
    

Computerized ‘near-death goggles’ take you to Heaven BEFORE you die

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved. 

YOU CAN experience the awe, power and mystery of the afterlife with “near-death goggles” that make death so amazingly real and appealing that you might not want to take them off – ever.

So says born-again Christian inventor Yoshimo Takara, the computer expert who introduced the goggles “on a whim” at a technology show in Hong Kong and is now swamped with orders that by his estimate will take four to six years to fulfill.

“I made the goggles for my children – I had no idea adults would stand in line to buy them,” Takara, 38, told me exclusively in a telephone interview from his apartment in Tokyo.

“But I have seen how people respond when they put them on. They are very happy.

“In some cases they grow angry and push you away when ask them to take off the goggles so someone else can try them.”

But he isn’t complaining. With a suggested retail of $3,500 a pair – about the price of a state-of-the-art home computer – Takara stands to become a millionaire many times over based on advance orders alone.

The inventor declines to discuss the technical aspects of “Virtual Afterlife,” as he calls the goggles. But they plainly rely on the “cyber reality” technologies that are in wide use in video games and at amusement parks such as Universal Studios and Disney World.

The difference is in the scope of the concept and the complexity of the software that drives the goggles.

While ordinary video games allow players to fight, play football, race cars and pilot starships, Takara’s goggles let users to speak with Jesus and his disciples, sit on God’s lap, walk on streets of gold and also saunter through landscapes of such exquisite serenity and unearthly perfection that some users already are being described clinically as “addicts.”

But there’s more. By purchasing additional software, users can use the goggles to chat with departed friends and loved ones.

There’s even a program that allows users to “try” suicide, a feature that Takara admits is apt to be far more popular in Japan, where suicide is considered honorable, than in the U.S., where it’s frowned upon and against the law.

Freelance writer Tammy Maron, 44, experienced the goggles in a 22-minute test run at the technology show in Hong Kong. She says the experience “was more than entertaining – it changed my life.”

“It started out like the near-death experiences people describe after they die on an operating table or in a car crash and are later revived,” she told me.

“At first I seemed to be sliding through a long, black corridor into a pinpoint of light. The light got bigger and bigger until I found myself immersed in it.

“As I looked around I could feel Christ his love and his light penetrating into my heart and soul. I was filled with love. I was consumed by love. It was everywhere and it seemed to ripple out in all directions into eternity.

“Then Christ took shape as a human and he looked just like those renditions you see in the Bible, the ones where he has the long blond hair and blue eyes. He took my hand and led me along a golden street into a great shimmering city of silver and white.

“He took me to the throne of God and all I can say is that it was real – absolutely real. “I now believe Yoshimo was inspired byGod to create these goggles just as Moses was inspired to write the 10 Commandments.

“When you get a chance to wear the goggles yourself, you’ll know what I mean.”

Takara makes no bones about the fact that he is a born-again Christian, but he stops short of saying the goggles were divinely inspired.

“If they were inspired I’m not aware of it,” he says. “But as we all know, God works in mysterious ways.”

Along those lines, perhaps, several firms have approached Takara about purchasing large numbers of the goggles to lease to hospitals and nursing homes to help terminally ill patients experience a preview of the afterlife and overcome their fear of dying.

The inventor expects to sell millions of the units in America once production is in full swing.

“We’d like to get some on the shelves in time for Christmas,” he said.

Fungus from space is destroying human brains and driving us all crazy, says scientist

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.

A respected American scientist says every man, woman and child on the planet has been infected with a microscopic “space fungus” that’s driving us all insane.

And Dr. Adrian Hammrill – a former medical director of Washington’s super-secretive Pellor Institutes for Infectious Disease Studies – says you need look no further than the headlines in your morning newspaper “to realize something terrifying is going down.”

“Terrorism, murder, rape, child abuse, pornography, gang violence – these are not the fruits of a sane society … these are are the fruits of a society gone mad,” the expert told me exclusively.

“And it’s nobody’s fault. Even the most evil and murderous among us aren’t to blame for their behavior. I’ve studied this problem for 11 years.

“I’ve approached it from every angle. I’ve considered every pro and con.

“We are powerless because we’ve been infected by a fungus that is unlike any other on Earth, a fungus that poisons and destroys the human brain.

“Our civilization is under attack from an enemy far more insidious than any terrorist – an enemy that cannot be seen with the naked eye.

“Where did it originate? How did it get here? One of my research assistants says ‘God sent it.’

“That might very well be true. But for scientific purposes, I prefer to say it came to earth on the wings and nose cone of a space shuttle, at least that is what the evidence suggests.”

Hammrill says he needs “funding to the tune of at least $2 million” to prove the fungus is destroying brains on a global scale, a theory that has been supported, he suggests, “by limited testing on mental patients, prison inmates and school children in California and Arkansas in the United States – and in Russia and Japan abroad.”

He declined say why he thinks the fungus hitched a ride to earth on a space shuttle.

But it has been rumored in space circles for decades that NASA scientists “discovered strange spores” while checking a shuttle for wear and tear after a flight in the early 1980s.

Hammrill says the fungus has been found “in soil and air samples taken from every continent except Antarctica, and also in the blood of every human I’ve ever tested.”

“Once it enters the body through the mouth or nose it gets into the blood and then accumulates in the brain,” explains the expert.

“It proceeds over time to alter the chemical processes required for stable functioning. It also produces neurotoxins that destroy brain cells.

“That’s why we see increasingly irrational violence and the degradation of morals and of society as a whole.

“At the moment, I don’t think there is a single totally sane human being on this planet. I think everyone has been compromised to degree.

“The road to insanity seems to meander for some. But for others, it’s a quick trip from normalcy to madness.

“One day they’re fine. The next day they snap. It’s as if each and every one of us is a time bomb.”

Without adequate funding, Hammrill has had to reel in a study that sought to develop “a quick, reliable and inexpensive test” to identify the fungus in infected people and also “in the wild.”

As it stands, tests aren’t entirely accurate because the fungus is unusual. Complicating matters even more, it sometimes seems to vanish only to return at a later date, says Hammrill, “and false negatives and false positives are the norm.”

Only with a new and accurate test, he continues, “can we begin to look for effective treatments and possibly even a vaccine to prevent infection.”

The fungus doesn’t appear to infect animals, which probably has less to do with them having natural immunities than the fact that they lack the higher regions of the brain that the fungus attacks, Hammrill says.

“Until we find a solution,” he continues, “there isn’t much we can do other than hope that the fungus dies out before humanity destroys itself under its influence.

“Meanwhile, those of us who have the willpower should fight to minimize its ill effects. No matter how badly you want to do something you know is crazy or wrong, resist the urge with all your might.

“Put down the pistol before you shoot your wife. Drop the butcher knife on the floor before you slice your newborn son to ribbons.

“Don’t hijack an airplane and fly it into skyscraper. Just say ‘no’ when that little voice in your head tells you to strangle your neighbor. Turn off the TV news and refuse to watch the carnage they serve up under the banner of ‘news’ because it will only feed psychotic influences you should be trying to avoid.

“These are just a few of the things we can do to fight the ‘fungal madness’ that’s overtaking mankind. If we’re lucky, it won’t be too little, too late.

“If we aren‘t lucky, may God help us all.”

Bizarre Al-Qaeda plot to ‘crop-dust’ U.S. cities with mind-bending LSD

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.

AT LEAST 22 al-Qaeda pilots are awaiting orders to “crop-dust” major U.S. cities like Chicago, New York and Los Angeles with tons of mind-bending LSD in a chilling bid to start the 1960s all over again - and destroy our will to fight.

And if you think “Operation New Summer of Love” is a way-out proposition, say FBI sources, consider this: Both the U.S. Army and CIA have stockpiled over two billion hits of the powerful hallucinogen to use against our enemies in the same way that Osama bin Laden’s terror group plans to use it against us.

The effects of an LSD “dusting”, continue the sources, would be harrowing indeed.

Computer models developed at FBI headquarters in Washington suggest that millions of otherwise sane men, women and children really would “turn on, tune in and drop out” – 1960s style – giving terrorists free reign to destroy our country from the inside out.

“The use of LSD against American citizens is not a matter of if, but when,” warns an FBI source familiar with the plot that was exposed by al-Qaeda operatives after their arrest in Germany for possession of chemicals that are used to make the drug.

“If bin Laden gets his way, we won’t be fighting terrorists - we’ll be shuffling around with flowers in our hair and living out 1967’s Summer of Love all over again.

“LSD is an exceptionally potent and dangerous ‘agent of change’. Don’t forget - the U.S. Army conducted extensive research on the drug for use in chemical and psychological warfare in the 1950s and 1960s, actually dosing soldiers without their knowledge to study how the drug diminished a person’s will to defend himself and fight for a cause.

“Forty years later, many of those soldiers are still clinically insane – they‘ve never recovered – and the Pentagon has shelled out hundreds of millions of dollars to compensate them for the damage.

“What we learned from that debacle is that LSD is easy to make and easy to dose. Not only that, it strips people of their sense of self, their sense of country, and their will to fight.

“If a dozen or so crop-dusters fanned out over Chicago, within an hour,  the city would be psychotic - millions of people would be tripping their brains out, lost in a hallucinogenic nether world of their own making. Over the course of the next 10 to 12 hours, which is how long the effects last, we would expect to see thousands of suicides.

“Otherwise normal people would be running wild in the streets or cowering in corners in a futile attempt to cope with terrifying hallucinations and wild thoughts and perceptions that had no basis in reality.

“While citizens were physically and psychologically compromised, al-Qaeda operatives on the ground would have free reign to plant dirty bombs, spread smallpox and anthrax, and even assassinate key people with nobody lifting a finger to stop them.

“When you’re high on LSD, you won’t care whether George Bush is president – or bin Laden is king. All you’ll want to do is run and hide, dance and play – or figure out how to get to the top of tall building so you can jump off and kill yourself.

“And what’s really scary about ‘acid’ is that some people never recover normal thought patterns. Some do – but it can take weeks or months to shake off feelings of ‘peace, love and brotherhood’ and get back to the hard business of reality.”

The FBI’s chilling assessment of the “credible, urgent and multi-sourced threat” is echoed at the Office of Homeland Security.

Director Michael Chertoff has called on the CIA – which is reported to have 1.7 million hits of pure LSD-25 stashed away for clandestine use – to tutor his staff in what to expect from a population dosed with the drug.

“They’re showing us films of San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district in 1967,” reveals a OHS source. “They’re showing us footage of Grateful Dead concerts.

“It’s scary. To think that millions of Americans might be sniffing flowers and ‘balling’ in a public park while our country is under attack is a terrifying prospect.“

While the FBI and Office of Homeland Security continue to assess the threat and develop a plan to help citizens protect themselves from an LSD attack, anti-war activists have seized on the news as a way to promote peace.

“Bring it on,“ was the war cry of one protestor, a 55-year-old tree surgeon who says he took his “fair share of LSD” in the 1960s. “This might be our last chance to stop all this fighting and find love and peace.”

Fire up your love life with fish hooks, bullets and a bar of soap

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/ 4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.

YOU CAN fire up your love life overnight with ordinary items like fish hooks, bullets and a bar of soap.

That’s what I learned in interviews with professional counselors who told me that couples who take just three to five seconds a day to express their love for one another in simple and inexpensive but creative ways engage in intimacies at least four times as often as those who don’t.

And when given a choice of three words to describe their intimacies, those same couples choose “electrifying” over “very good” and “adequate” – every time, the experts said.

“Men and women who have learned how to express their love for one another simply and regularly have the most sex and the best sex period,” Paula Trefton, a marriage counselor with offices in London and New York, told me exclusively.

“These couples have learned that it isn’t what you say to your spouse or lover that opens the door to great sex, it’s how you say it and how often you say it that really counts.

“I’ve found, for instance, that leaving a hastily-scribbled “I love you!” on a scrap of paper for your significant other to find or even giving him an inexpensive ‘gift’ of fish hooks or a few sticks of gum is every bit as likely to win you a love session as a dozen red roses or a piece of fine jewelry.

“There’s something about the spontaneity of the scribbled note or cheap gift that touches both men and women on a profoundly deep level. And unlike flowers, jewelry and other expensive gifts, which often have the ‘feel’ of bribes, these are things you can ‘lavish’ on your lover every day.”

Dr. Roberto Garcia, a psychologist in Miami, FL, couldn’t agree more.

“Statistics vary, but it’s safe to say the average American couple engages in sexual intimacies four times a month,” he told me in an interview at his office overlooking Biscayne Bay.

“By way of comparison, couples who take those few seconds to express their love for one another in creative ways each and every day have sex an average of four times a week.

“I don’t mind telling you that after seeing those results, I started leaving love notes to my wife all over the place. It’s changed my life.”

In interviews with hundreds of patients over the past 10 years, the experts discovered a number of inexpensive and ingenious ways that savvy couples have found to keep their interest in one another at fever pitch.

Following their example, you can:

o Write “I love you!” on a bathroom mirror with a bar of soap. For added impact, don’t wipe it off … ever.

o Scribble “I want you!” or other Valentine’s-like messages such as “Hot Mama!”, “Ooo Baby!” or “Gimme! Gimme!” on a scrap of paper adorned with “smiley faces” or any other day-brightening or sexually-suggestive doodle you can think of.

Tape it to a broom or mop handle, the dishwasher, the steering wheel of his car -anywhere your sweet-cakes is sure to find it.

o Buy an inexpensive gift and hide it where your lover will stumble on it after he leaves the house.

If your man likes to hunt or fish, for example, you can slip a package of fish hooks or a few new bullets or shotgun shells in his briefcase or lunch box before he goes to work.

If your gal likes chocolates or wears lots of makeup, you can drop a few messy-but-sensual candies – chocolate-covered cherries, for instance – or a tube of lip gloss in her purse. It might sound corny. But the experts confirm that the tiniest of surprises say “I love you” in a very sexy way.

o Telephone your spouse and say, “I love you, baby!” at odd hours of the day. Don’t wait for a response – hang up as soon as you blurt it out.

“We don’t really know why, but the message seems to be sexier that way,” said Trefton.

“You really can improve your sex life and strengthen the bond between you and your mate simply and inexpensively,”she added.

“Just use your imagination and make sure you don’t forget to say ‘I love you!’ in some special way every day.”

New study confirms it – 8 of 10 workers are smarter than their bosses; read more in this week’s Wild Wild World of News

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.

AN EYE-OPENING new study proves it beyond the shadow of a doubt: Eight of 10 workers are smarter than their bosses – often dramatically so.

The fact is, say researchers at the University of Southern California, rank-and-file workers boast IQs that are on average 11 points higher than those of the men and women who boss them around on the job.

“This should serve as a wakeup call,” Priscilla Marle, who headed up the study, told me exclusively. “Workers definitely need a bigger say in what happens on the job. I know I do.”

Not tonight, dear – YOU have a headache; read how reverse-love-potions won’t put you in the mood

HERBS LIKE scullcap and hops not only curb sex drive, they’re selling like hotcakes to women who’ve had their fill of intimacies fueled by Viagra, the prescription impotency pill for men. The gals apparently slip their hubbies an herbal “mickey” in drinks or food, bringing themselves “blessed relief” for the night, reports say.

Both botanicals are known as “anaphrodisiacs” – meaning they put the brakes on sex drive rather than rev it up like aphrodisiacs.

End Times Hall of Shame – man nets $200-Gs selling tickets to the Rapture
 
SUPER-SHIFTY Alfredo Mendes raked in a whopping $200,000 selling tickets to the Bible’s Rapture.

The twice-convicted con man shamelessly published newspaper ads claiming true believers would be lifted directly into Heaven – alive -from an unspecified location in Belo Horizonte, Brazil.

For $100, he promised to reveal the location – and 2,000 people sent in the cash. Mendes was arrested on fraud charges when the Rapture failed to materialize and he remains jailed without benefit of bond.

Although only 2,000 people bought tickets, an estimated 8,000 showed up for the event, Brazilian news agencies report.

Has it really come to this? U.S. employees can’t find America on a world map

A shameful three of 10 federal employees can’t find the United States on a world map, a State Department survey reveals. Said one analyst at a news conference in Washington: “It makes me wonder how they get to work in the morning.”

Put to the test by reporters, the analyst pinpointed the U.S. on a map … but couldn’t find Chicago, New York or L.A.

Potty’s revenge – exploding toilet kills seven

SEVEN MEN were killed when the pay toilet they were sharing in Calcutta, India, exploded – blowing them to smithereens. Investigators blamed the disaster on sewer gases.

The name’s no game – lady execs have the CRYSTAL connection

A SURPRISING 25 percent of American women earning more than $250,000 a year are named Crystal, a Harvard study shows. Nobody knows why the name is so popular among lady execs. But as one researcher put it: “If you’re thinking of a name for a new baby, you might want to consider one with proven success.”

Rounding out the Top 5 most popular names for megabucks working gals: Kristen, Donna, Sharon and Susan.

It’s a good thing cars don’t come with showers …

A STAGGERING nine of 10 women routinely apply lipstick, eye liner and other makeup while driving their cars – but here’s the shocker: Two of 10 MEN do the same, an Ohio State University study confirmed.

A portrait in courage you’ll never forget: How muscular dystrophy child transformed a high school

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc. All rights reserved.

IT WAS A PRETTY CRUEL group of kids who teased and tormented Billy Thomas through the 17 years of classroom study that it took for him to get his high school diploma.

As the length of time he spent in the classroom might indicate, Billy wasn’t quite like those other kids, nor was he quite so well equipped to excel in his classes.

It wasn’t that his intelligence was lacking. After all, he had an above-average IQ of 117.

A more likely candidate for his troubles was the muscular dystrophy that robbed him of his coordination and the simple strength required to turn the page of a book, pick up a pencil to sign his name or even wipe the drool from his own chin.

Of course, the kids Billy grew up with weren’t particularly concerned with the why or the how of it. They just knew  he was different – a “retard” - and something in their foolish hearts told them that tormenting Billy was, in fact, the “right” thing to do.

Looking back, folks say that if Billy ever had a friend, nobody was aware of it.

The one thing he did have was a smile on his face, through thick and thin, through all the teasing, through all the tormenting, until the bitter end, which came, it seemed, in a jarringly grotesque stroke of bad timing – when Billy fell into a coma just hours before the only dream he ever dared to dream was within his grasp: Graduating from high school.

A lot of people have a lot of opinions about what happened in the hours after he lost consciousness. Suffice it to say that the word spread fast.

And in one of those transformational “awakenings” that occasionally occur at times like this, the kids who had done everything in their power to make Billy’s life a living hell suddenly “got it.”

Some say it was the meanest and cruelest kids in school who carried Billy’s limp, comatose body into the high school assembly hall. Others say the meanest, cruelest kids were sobbing in the parking lot.

But the one thing everybody agrees on is this: There wasn’t a single cruel taunt awaiting Billy that night.

In fact, the only sound anyone recalls hearing was the ovation that rumbled like rolling summer thunder for 35 astonishing minutes, an ovation that might have gone on for hours if Billy’s eyelids hadn’t fluttered weakly open, enabling him to see his past, present, and future blending into one great and wonderful thing in the final moments of his life.

And in the whooshing avalanche of sound-becoming-silence that followed, a bone-thin hand wafted up from Billy’s side to accept the high school diploma that was the first and final symbol of achievement in what surely was, from the point of view of a simple “retard” such as Billy, a life damn well lived.

For what seemed like forever, folks say, but surely was just a fraction of a second, Billy held that precious scrap of paper in trembling, disease-weakened fingers, held it fast and tight before the burden of living became too much to bear.

In a time and space so deep, rich, full and heart-rending that tough guys grown men still weep with the simple act of recalling it, Billy’s eyelids closed as softly as a butterfly’s wings flutter for the last time.

 Just then, as you might very well imagine, Heaven’s newest resident – and surely its proudest high school graduate – breathed a shallow last breath, releasing an unconquerable spirit that found perfect freedom, at long, long, last, in a crippled kid’s sweet death.

Now you may think the story ends where it started, in Sydney, Australia, and when it started, on Sept. 12, 1957 – but that isn’t at all the case. Billy’s story continues to this day, you see, with the annual Graduates’ March, a candle-lit, 50-mile walk that has raised money for sick and dying children and their families for the past 50 years.

The leaders of the March are the “cruel” kids Billy attended school with. And the only ones missing year to year are thoe who have joined the brave kid who wasn’t “normal enough” to be their friend, but became their hero – and changed their lives forever.

Feminists want men replaced by robots by 2020, and experts say, ‘It can be done’

Copyright (c) 2007 Derek Clontz/4-Page Media, Inc.

FIREBRAND feminists have issued a startling challenge to scientists: Build us robots to replace men by the year 2020 - or else.

And, amazingly, experts in the fields of computer science and artificial intelligence say it can be done.

“We can make a serviceable male ‘sex-bot‘ right now,” Dr. Pauline Fallington, whose scholarly books on robotics and artificial intelligence are considered standards in the field, told me exclusively.

“But what we’re hearing women say they want is a robot that can perform all the functions of the human male, a machine that can hold simple conversations, perform passably for short periods in bed, do chores around the house, and provide a sense of physical security for those who are uncomfortable living alone.

“A tall order, it would seem, but certainly within the realm of what’s possible. I’d say it’s quite likely that we can create robots that will compare quite favorably with men if not surpass them.“

Male advocacy groups are outraged by the suggestion that men can be replaced by machines, especially in the bedroom where imagination and creativity play as much of a role as “mechanics.”.

But growing numbers of women are thrilled by the prospect – and they’re pressing for it.

“It’s been a man’s world long enough,” fumes Marilyn Foste, British author of the controversial new book, Real Women Don’t Wear Tampons (Foste Sisters Press, London).

“Women are making gains in the workplace, so we don’t need men to support us. About the only thing we do need them for is sex, for companionship, for protection and to help out with the kids.

“Talk to any woman with a significant other and ask her about her guy. She’ll tell you he’s uncouth, demanding, lazy, seldom talks or offers support, and is only a marginal player in the sack.

“So how sophisticated does a robot have to be to top that? I would suggest to you, not very.”

Amazingly, gay men are jumping on the “replace men with robots” bandwagon, too.

“We figure if women get the robots, we’ll get the men,“ chortles gay activist Roger Delacourt, also of London.

“This could do wonders for the gay movement.”

While gay men and feminists lick their chops over what the future might bring, men who subscribe to traditional views of sex, marriage and the family unit are preparing to fight back.

“Contrary to what some women might say, men are still in control,” says Rev. Dr. Paul Mort, Dallas, Texas-based clergyman with a shortwave ministry. “We might be a silent majority now, but if you press us too far, I think you’ll see us bring the little fillies back under control.”